Making relationships work through positive communication

Now you're talking: making relationships work through positive communication. Dr David Burns is a cognitive therapist specialising in relationship management. In his fourth column, he offers advice on how to make troubled relationships work.

In bad communication, you treat the other person in an adversarial, condescending or competitive way

Most people don't do a very good job of listening. When they're upset, they don't acknowledge how the other person is feeling and insist that the other person is wrong. Next time you have a row with someone, keep a mental list of whether you are guilty of the following errors:

• Truth. You insist that you are right.
• Blame. You imply that the problem is all the other person's fault.
• Defensiveness. You argue and refuse to admit any flaw or shortcoming.
• Martyrdom. You claim that you're the victim of the other person's tyranny.
• Put-down. You speak harshly to make the other person feel inferior or ashamed.
• Labelling. You call the person names.
• Sarcasm. Your attitude, words, and tone of voice are belittling or patronising.
• Counter-attack. You respond to criticism with criticism.
• Scapegoating. You imply that the other person is defective or inadequate.
• Diversion. You change the subject or list past grievances.
• Self-blame. You act as if you're awful to avoid criticism.
• Hopelessness. You claim that you have tried everything, but nothing works.
• Denial. You deny your role in the problem or insist that you're not upset.
• Help. Instead of listening, you give advice or "help".
• Passive aggression. You say nothing, pout, or slam doors.
• Mind reading. You expect the other person to know how you feel.

Now lend me your EAR…

Good communication involves: skilful listening (empathy), effective self-expression (assertiveness), and caring (respect). The acronym EAR will help you to remember these three components.

Empathy is the first characteristic of good communication. Empathy means that you listen and try to see the world through the other person's eyes. You find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if his criticism of you seems unfair or his point of view is very different from yours. You also acknowledge how he or she is probably feeling.

Being assertive means that you are able to express your feelings openly, using "I feel" statements, such as "I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable right now". You share your feelings tactfully, so the other person won't feel put down. In contrast, in bad communication, you hide your negative feelings or act them out aggressively. For example, you might lash out at the other person, which will trigger more conflict.

Respect Treat the other person with kindness, caring, and respect, even though you may feel frustrated and annoyed. In contrast, in bad communication, you treat the other person in an adversarial, condescending or competitive way. ( telegraph.co.uk )

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